The Scariest Song in the World

Among the  host of insipid holiday songs that are played on an endless loop in every public square until the listener slowly goes insane is a chipper little ditty called "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", whose lyrics go something like this:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

 

Laying aside the soul-strangling tune that is no doubt bouncing around in your skull ( I apologize), lets just take a look at the words themselves. When we do, it becomes readily apparently that something hinky is going on at the North Pole.

  The very song itself begins with a warning as we are told "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry". The listener is admonished to alter their behavior and alter it quickly. No matter what the  reason, no matter what the justification, a blanket clarion call against crying or pouting rings out!  The reason given is yet another grim warning ; "Santa Claus is coming to town".

  But why should the appearance of this ripe jolly old elf be of such concern for us? Why does the songwriter feel the need to  call out to us to straighten up our act?  The clue is laid in the very next verse; "He's making a list, and checking it twice." Old Chris Kringle apparently is intensely interested in the behavior of the citizens of the world to the point that he documents their behavior and  back-checks it for errors.  The next line is equally chilling ;"Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice".  The  CEO of the North Pole doesn't appear to already know  who is 'naughty or nice', and therefore has to "find out". It's more than a little disturbing that, while the  song hints at the existence of some sort of vast intelligence-gathering apparatus deployed by Old Saint Nick, we aren't given any insight as to the parameters of what makes somebody naughty or what makes somebody nice.  Much like the NSA, Santa monitors and documents, but holds the means and methods close to his vest.

  As if this affront to personal privacy wasn't enough, the next line peels the onion back another layer;  "He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake ".  Santa functions above even the  most grievous of police states. His jurisdiction is infinite, and his obsession with surveillance extends even to the sleeping hours of his hapless subjects. I mean, really, how naughty can you be while you're sound asleep , a brave soul might ask the unapproachable Claus.  It matters not.  There is no appeal from the naughty list, no oversight assigned to Father Christmas.

  Going line by line, the true nature of the song is revealed; the songwriter pleads with the listener to beware of the all-seeing, all-knowing  fat man in red. The listener is admonished to correct their behavior and to go from pouting and crying to "be good for goodness sake", which is itself an exasperated cry of hopelessness and impotence in the face of the  eye-in-the-sky onslaught from the North. It's not enough to be good for the good of society, or for personal accountability before God, but rather as the only way to avoid the naughty list and the ill-described wrath that follows.  You can't stop him. You can't reign him in. The police cannot help you. Locked doors and barred windows will not prevent his progress into your homes, into the very rooms of your children. Your best bet is just to be as good as you can and hope for the best. Keep your head down and ride it out till New Years.Perhaps this is the reason children are told to be asleep before he arrives. Perhaps, much like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, Santa's visual acuity is based on movement and a huddled child pretending to be asleep is sufficient for the  mysterious figure to come and go in peace.

  Just in case the repeated warnings were not enough, the songwriter takes it up a notch and  shouts "O! You better watch out!" As a parting shot, the  listener is reminded to  dry up their tears and tuck their bottom lip away because the worst nightmare for an insomniac crybaby is  on his way; "Santa Claus is coming to town".