Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Where Are They Now?

( Note:  This is satire, people. Well, mostly)

With the 2012 campaign but a distant memory, we caught up with former Massachusetts governor and GOP nominee Mitt Romney at his family’s residence to find out what he’d been up to since November.
  “Man that was bad. That was a dark time for me, really for everybody.”  Gov.  Romney told us while sitting in a room with the shades drawn. Even in the dim light we could see that he had put on a bit of weight since his defeat at the hands of Barack Obama.  “ I just came home that night and crawled underneath the covers and ….hey,  does it look like my hair is falling out?”
 The candidate has been a virtual recluse since the election, even to his 1.6 million Twitter followers who have heard absolutely nothing from him since election night. A few days later a haggard looking Romney was spotted at a gas station pumping his own gas.  The website from his campaign still bears the image of an optimistic looking candidate and a cheerful blurb  about  having hopes for the future, but to those close to the former GOP nominee, it’s a different situation altogether.
Romney pumping gas
  “It was crazy” said a cashier at the local grocery store speaking on condition of anonymity. “ I mean  he always had somebody do the grocery shopping for him. You know, a service. But the day after the election he comes in here big as life and buys every tube of chocolate chip cookie dough in the entire store, plus a big spoon.  I told him I voted for him, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.”
  A source close to the family reported he fell into a sobbing fit when his book wound up on the discount rack at his local bookstore. Witnesses report that he began to rant about how he had ‘the perfect hair, a gorgeous tan’, and had taken ‘every position on every issue at least once. What do you people want from me?’
  By contrast Congressman Ron Paul of Texas has been busier than at any time in his life.  He retired from Congress , giving one of the great political speeches of all time, and since retiring has  written  yet another  best selling book, launched a home school curriculum,  opened the doors to the Ron Paul Peace Institute, and given speeches  to  ever-growing crowds all over the globe.  During one particularly energetic rally, the normally soft-spoken Dr. Paul challenged some members of the college-age audience to “Punch me in the stomach. Come on, I can take it!” and unconfirmed reports claim he has taken up the hobby of jumping over cars and through flaming hoops on a motorcycle.  An eyewitness at a state fair told the Associated Press that the regularly scheduled daredevil had fallen ill, but Dr. Paul just happened to be  in the area and   strapped on the colorful costume, revving the motor and calling out to the crowd “Who’s the boss? You the boss!”” before zipping the bike towards the ramp and easily clearing the obstacles.  Paul staffers would neither confirm nor deny the incident, but merely commented that, “Dr. Paul is enjoying the newfound liberty he has as a private citizen. There’s lots of thing he couldn’t do as a Congressman.”
Probably not Ron Paul
 Reports that he  has challenged Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke  to an ‘Indian leg wrestling match’ were flatly denied.
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